Last week I was speaking with a long time business colleague and the subject turned to beliefs and specifically, limiting beliefs. Both us concluded that much of our adult life has been spent unlearning beliefs that no longer serve us. Crazy, huh?
I first learned about “limiting beliefs” from Gail Straub and David Gerson in their fabulous workshops & books entitled Empowerment. (I know, an overused term but this was the 80’s folks and they were way ahead of the curve!)
In short, a limiting belief is exactly what it sounds like– it limits you. Like any belief, it can be rooted out but that’s not enough. They must be dumped. My favorite way to dump them (discussed at length in Lesson 18, of my book, Lessons From a Headhunter… With Heart! ) is to turn them around them around until they work for me with a belief that expands me.
So in the spirit of helping others learn my past tortured self, here’s a limiting belief I struggled with forever:
I’m not good enough
I call this particular limiting belief: my inner mean girl. It’s a doozy, isn’t it? It knows no bounds. Until we dump it, it often manifests itself in the relationships we choose; how well we take care of ourselves physically, emotionally and spiritually; how we groom ourselves and how we operate in the world. I’ve learned it’s really about deserving. Here’s what my inner mean girl looked like for me:
- I dated unavailable men in all shapes and sizes for years and years;
- I beat myself to a pulp running miles and miles that ruined my feet and ankles;;
- I didn’t advocate for myself with doctors when I knew there was something wrong with my thyroid;
- I didn’t think I deserved to own a house until I got married.
Excuse me, but what the what? Rest assured these beliefs were not ones my parents wanted for me. Both my parents were huge advocates for women. Frankly, I no longer spend time analyzing where I learned how to be mean to myself. I spend all my energy working the Turn-Around and the Expanding Belief.
Want to hear my Turn-Around? My Expanding Belief? Let me know in the comments below and I’ll share it. And how about you? What does your inner mean girl sound like and how can I help you dump it?
With Love,
Patty Comeford Adams
Ps. Two terrific resources on examining your limiting beliefs are: (1)Renee Stephens’ fabulous free podcast @ docrenee.com; and (2) Louise Hay’s book, You Can Heal Your Life.
see FollowTheChampagne.com 
1. That as a twin, I was never the ‘smart’ one..
2. That I am usually underrated.
3. That financially I should not spend for my pleasure
Now at 65, I have worked hard to change these inner mean girl voices…getting there but easy to fall back.
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Sharon~
Those are powerful beliefs to uncover! Well done!
I so agree with you that it is “easy to fall back” . But perhaps the two of us can turn around the limiting belief that “it’s easy to fall back” and replace it with an expansive one. How about: “It gets easier and easier to dump my limiting beliefs”? What do you think?
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Yes! Wish I knew these things in my youth or had the ability to dump my inner mean girl.
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Yes me too but perhaps the gift is in helping children, grandchildren and others learn it earlier than we did. Xoxo❤️
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Oh boy. I knew there was a reason I felt drawn to you. I just didn’t know what it was. I get your point exactly. I too had good parents,stable home life etc as a child but for some reason my default is to feel not good enough. I’ve been married to a wonderful decent man for 31 years, maintained a home, family relationships, cared for people in their needs and despite life’s normal challenges have been blessed. As I posted on another thread, I recently lost my job of 14 years. I’m not a high power career woman or even a particularly talented person and the job I lost was a part time one in a small local business. Still, I’m devastated. The reason I lost this job, was because the owner became very sick and his daughter who hoped to run it by herself,found she could not handle it alone. Her sister, another family member, was brought into the corporation and replaced my part-time job with her full-time job. It was a business decision shaped by family matters, I realize it wasn’t anything personally against me. However, I find myself in another very uncomfortable situation, I have almost 0 confidence to move forward to obtain another job. My husband has been more than supportive, my family all has confidence in me and have told me that. But inside I feel like I’m about six years old on the first day of school and I just want to turn around and run into moms arms. I’m 54 years old. Lol. To be honest, I feel better knowing it’s not just me that feels that way. I would have never of guessed that you, Patty, would have these kind of feelings because you are a very successful woman, and have done a lot of really amazing things. It’s kind of weird, I kind of thought I was over a lot of those kinds of feelings after having lived a pretty good life so far, it’s just really weird that all of that can crop up or flood back as soon as I encounter a personal setback. It’s only been about six weeks since I lost my job, and my emotions are still kind of raw about everything. I’m glad I found this blog and I’m glad that I struck up an online acquaintance with you Patty. I guess it is true, traveling through life, those little things we encounter that help us through are all for purpose.
Thank you.
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Lynn~ Thank you for your heartfelt reply. I so applaud you on ever level….from being aware of your raw feelings to building your wonderful support team. In my professional experience, I’ve worked with many a CEO who feels like a 6 year old inside so don’t beat yourself up on that one!! Heck, look at these Presidential candidates! Talk about 6 year olds!
It seems that no matter one’s title, track record, appearance (especially on social media!) we all struggle with limiting beliefs. I also believe we keep learning these lessons over and over and (hopefully) at a much deeper level each time. This “not good enough” belief is one that I have struggled with for a very long time. Something crops up in life and here I go again.
It sounds to me that you are really still grieving over a job you loved deeply. That is so very hard. I am glad to hear that you have a supportive spouse as that helps tremendously. On the confidence piece, build on the fact that you loved your job. So many people hate their job and the fact that you loved your job will come through in your interviews and will impress employers. Truly, they notice this stuff and want people who take pride in their work and have a good attitude! Just give yourself permission to take some time to grieve your loss so it doesn’t come through in your interviews.
Last but not least, I hope you will feel free to reach out to me via email or private message should you need an ear or additional support.
Sending you much love, Patty
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Thank you so much. Just writing that all down was cathartic. I tend to keep that stuff inside so as to protect those I love from the burden of it. I think there is an irony inherent in this too. The beauty of humility, (even humility born of erroneous conclusions that’s more like self deprecation) is that it can open us up to give selfless love. Feeling not good enough can be an ironic driver of great accomplishment or great service. My inner mean girl and I struggle a lot. While she certainly hinders me and cultivates fear and sadness, I think her wrong view tempers my view of others, makes me stop and consider the hearts of others. Maybe I don’t have to get rid of her but maybe her and I need to talk more. Maybe we could find a compromise, get rid of the devaluing of me but keep the gift of healthy humility and gratitude . Patty, I think it’s evident you are down that road a bit ahead of me. It gives me encouragement. Thank you for your kindness.
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