Tag Archives: change

How To Get Unstuck from a Job You Hate

I receive a lot of emails from folks about feeling stuck in jobs, marriage, and money situations. Of late the bulk seem to go like this: ” Help! I hate my job!! I need to get out here asap! What can I do?”  So today, we focus on getting unstuck from a job you hate.

The first thing you have to do is dial back the hate big time. I know, I know you deserve to kick and scream and vent. But I’m here to tell you after 18 years in the recruiting business, hating your job won’t help you find something better. Sorry to ruin the pity party but it’s true. Now don’t think I’m getting all “judge-y” with you. Heck, I fell into that trap myself. I hated my job as a lawyer from day two and I stayed there hating and telling everyone that I hated it for two whole years. All that hating just made me feel stuck, unable to move forward and very miserable.

We see this phenomenon in other areas of our life. Dr John Gottman, founder of the Gottman Institute has performed decades of research on couples’ relationships.  Gottman has found 4 kinds of negativity , which he calls “the four horsemen of the apocalypse”. The research shows that  4 horsemen literally destroy relationships. They include:

  1. Criticism;
  2. Contempt;
  3. Defensiveness; and
  4. Stonewalling.

So what does couples research have to do with job search and career fulfillment? Well, as it turns out, quite a bit.

Criticism and contempt are often present in individuals thinking about or undergoing a job search.  With criticism, it is certainly easier to focus on what’s wrong with our employer or boss. Contempt rears its ugly head in all sorts of ways including sarcasm, cynicism, put-downs.  Defensiveness and stonewalling seem to run rampant in the workplace.  God forbid we take responsibility for our situation and communicate!

pointing-finger1

So how do we get past the 4 deadly horsemen and get unstuck?

Again, we can learn from Gottman’s research. One of the first things Gottman does is to challenge couples to communicate 5 positive comments for every negative one. Try it in your relationship; it’s not so easy!.

For me, the career lesson learned was that when I stopped criticizing and hating my job, things began to shift in my work life. No, it didn’t magically change, gates didn’t fly open and birds didn’t start chirping from the heavens above, but things did shift and eventually change dramatically.

So this week when you catch yourself hating on whatever, I challenge you to try “the Gottman”and see what starts to unfold.

And as always, if you would be so kind as to share your story/struggle/advice with others below, we’d be most grateful. Heck, you might even help someone get unstuck!

With Love,
Patty Comeford Adams

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Filed under Self Help

Ways To Look Ten Pounds Lighter Today: Tip #2OL

Welcome back peeps and Happy Labor Day weekend!

Our last post was such a resounding success that we continue our series, “Ways to Look Ten Pounds Lighter Today: Tip #2. And thank you for all your private message and comments!

I don’t know about you but I’m sick, tired and confused about all these “experts” telling me what to eat and not eat and promising magic results DF/C/D/.overnight. Coffee’s good for you ; coffee’s bad for you; now it’s good again! Whaaaateverrrrr. That said, there are several things you can do without spending a dime to look instantly slimmer.

Tip #2: Ditch the “Mom Capri” .

Right now, go in your closet and donate them all. They are not coming back nor should they~ ever! They not only make our legs look short, our ankles big, accentuate us in all the wrong places but they date us. See what I mean?

capri-2

Please don’t be offended. I used to wear them too. But clearly the same misguided man who put only  2 stalls in a woman’s bathroom invented them. Remember “Mom Jeans”? Well, I’m declaring war on the “Mom Capris”. These lovely women deserve better; we all do!

One caveat: I’m not taking about getting rid of the ankle pant, a tailored crop pant, pencil pant or your cute yoga pants. And yes, gauchos are “in” but that’s a whole different story for another day. Just rid yourself of the Mom Capri asap. You’ve got all of Labor Day weekend to do it!

And always remember~You’re Never Stuck!

xoxo,

Patty Comeford Adams

ps. And if you don’t know what to replace them with, have a picture of you tossing your Mom Capris, have ideas for others on what to replace them with or a question please comment below or shoot me an email.

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Filed under Clothes, Fashion, Inspirational Themed Blogs, Self Help, women

Curt Schilling: Everyone’s (reluctant) hero

As it’s a busy week at the “Adams Ranch” preparing for an event at our home for our favorite charity, Children’s Hospital & Clinics of Minnesota (www.childrensmn.org), this blog post will be brief.  Frankly, this particular post was unplanned…until I woke up yesterday and read fellow blogger Curt Schilling’s post on the bullying and despicable behavior experienced by his daughter. My blood has been boiling ever since!

In case you missed it, Curt Schilling is a well-regarded baseball pitcher, a proud American and a man of faith.  He writes a blog called 38 Pitches at  http://www. 38pitches.wordpress.com.  Innocently enough and like any proud parent, he recently tweeted about his daughter’s acceptance to college and upcoming pitching career.  The barrage of utterly vulgar and beyond inappropriate tweets in response to his innocent post stopped him in his tracks and he went on the offensive. And, if it hasn’t already, it should stop you in your tracks as well.  The story did make its way to Good Morning America and a few other outlets. You can also read a G-rated synopsis of it all here in People Magazine:

http://www.people.com/article/curt-schilling-defends-daughter-against-cyber-bullies?xid=socialflow_twitter_peoplemag

That said, a big question looms. What are we doing as society, as parents, aunts, uncles,  grandparents , citizens to cultivate such behavior?  We can’t sit by and blame the other guy,  that bad parent, the government, the media. That’s a cop-out. If that’s our response, it will never change and it simply must change. Getting off social media isn’t the answer either; it’s here to stay and does its own good in many cases. (Think: #ALS Ice Bucket Challenge)

So what can we do?

Well for starters, you can all read Curt’s blog and share your outrage on social media. One of these young men was fired at his part-time job at the Yankees for  his despicable tweet; others’ accounts (but not all) were suspended. That’s a start but many were involved and they need to be called out.

Secondly, much like the hateful Tweets/Posts to Robin William’s daughter after her father’s death , we can keep the pressure on Facebook, Twitter and other social media websites to disable bullies’ accounts. In my view, it should be a one strike and you’re out. After all, it’s our internet too and it’s time to take it back from these thugs.

Lastly, while many employers already review applicants’ and employees’ social media postings, we can bring such reprehensible behavior to employers’ attention and encourage them to change their policy manuals to ensure firing for cause in such cases. Just think ~ if someone knew they were going to lose their job, would they do this? Sure maybe a few knuckleheads  would; but loss of a job is often a powerful motivator. We need more of that motivation apparently .

Yes, so in my book, Curt Schilling (most likely reluctantly)  is everyone’s hero. Let’s get the internet unstuck and give Curt and his beautiful daughter the gift of action. It’s way more important than what color #thedress is!

With love,

Patty Comeford Adams

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Filed under Self Help

Pass the Compassion…Please!

I don’t know about you but of late I’ve been struck by just how little compassion there seems to be out of there. This lack of compassion comes in all shapes and sizes, knows no economic boundaries and sounds quite a bit like the following:

  1. Just move on, would you!;
  2. Whew, I’m of the hook!;
  3. That’s Not My Problem!;
  4. Heh, That’s the Past, Get Over it!;
  5. I’m just at a different place in my life. (I think the last one is perhaps the worst of all as it feigns sincerity and kindness.)

The etymology of the word compassion comes from the Latin stem meaning to “suffer with, feel pity”.  Webster’s dictionary  defines compassion as:”a feeling of being sorry for others”.

I find these definitions so inadequate.   To me, compassion is so much more powerful than that. It is life affirming. It has the power to change another’s life completely. Rather than born of pity or sorrow, I believe it is built out of divine respect and love. It connects us all. And amazingly,  it’s absolutely free. It costs nothing to give it.
 Don’t get me wrong, I understand the importance of the need for tough love from time to time. But too often it seems that folks these days choose tough love as their initial reaction rather than compassion. And too often it seems that tough love is really just judgment … in disguise. Can’t we as human beings do better than that? I think so.
The Dalai Lama recognized the life affirming power of compassion  when he said: ” If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion”.
So perhaps the next time you are tempted to respond with tough love/judgment, you can lead the way toward making the world just a little better place and make yourself happier at the same time by  passing the  compassion. Please.
And always remember, You’re Never Stuck.
All the best,

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