Tag Archives: marriage

How To Dump Your Inner Mean Girl

Last week I was speaking with a long time business colleague and the subject turned to beliefs and specifically, limiting beliefs. Both us concluded that much of our adult life has been spent unlearning beliefs that no longer serve us. Crazy, huh?

 I first learned about “limiting beliefs” from Gail Straub and David Gerson in their fabulous workshops & books entitled Empowerment. (I know, an overused term but this was the 80’s folks and they were way ahead of the curve!)

In short, a limiting belief is exactly what it sounds like– it limits you. Like any belief, it can be rooted out but that’s not enough. They must be dumped.  My favorite way to dump them (discussed at length in Lesson 18, of my book, Lessons From a Headhunter… With Heart! ) is to turn them around them around until they work for me with a belief that expands me. 

So in the spirit of helping others learn my past tortured self, here’s a limiting belief I struggled with forever:

 I’m not good enough

I call this particular limiting belief: my inner mean girl. It’s a doozy, isn’t it?  It knows no bounds. Until we dump it, it often manifests itself in the relationships we choose; how well we take care of ourselves physically, emotionally and spiritually; how we groom ourselves and how we operate in the world. I’ve learned it’s really about deserving.  Here’s what my inner mean girl looked like for me:

  • I dated unavailable men in all shapes and sizes for years and years;
  •  I beat myself to a pulp running miles and miles that ruined my feet and ankles;;
  •  I didn’t advocate for myself with doctors when I knew there was something wrong with my thyroid;
  •  I didn’t think I deserved to own a house until I got married.

Excuse me, but what the what? Rest assured these beliefs were not ones my parents wanted for me. Both my parents were huge advocates for women. Frankly, I no longer spend time analyzing where I learned how to be mean to myself. I spend all my energy working the Turn-Around and the Expanding Belief.

Want to hear my Turn-Around? My Expanding Belief?  Let me know in the comments below and I’ll share it. And how about you? What does your inner mean girl sound like and how can I help you dump it?

With Love,

Patty Comeford Adams

Ps.  Two terrific resources on examining your limiting beliefs are:  (1)Renee Stephens’ fabulous free podcast @ docrenee.com; and (2)  Louise Hay’s book, You Can Heal Your Life.

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Filed under Career Coach, Inspirational Themed Blogs, Self Help

How To Get Unstuck from a Job You Hate

I receive a lot of emails from folks about feeling stuck in jobs, marriage, and money situations. Of late the bulk seem to go like this: ” Help! I hate my job!! I need to get out here asap! What can I do?”  So today, we focus on getting unstuck from a job you hate.

The first thing you have to do is dial back the hate big time. I know, I know you deserve to kick and scream and vent. But I’m here to tell you after 18 years in the recruiting business, hating your job won’t help you find something better. Sorry to ruin the pity party but it’s true. Now don’t think I’m getting all “judge-y” with you. Heck, I fell into that trap myself. I hated my job as a lawyer from day two and I stayed there hating and telling everyone that I hated it for two whole years. All that hating just made me feel stuck, unable to move forward and very miserable.

We see this phenomenon in other areas of our life. Dr John Gottman, founder of the Gottman Institute has performed decades of research on couples’ relationships.  Gottman has found 4 kinds of negativity , which he calls “the four horsemen of the apocalypse”. The research shows that  4 horsemen literally destroy relationships. They include:

  1. Criticism;
  2. Contempt;
  3. Defensiveness; and
  4. Stonewalling.

So what does couples research have to do with job search and career fulfillment? Well, as it turns out, quite a bit.

Criticism and contempt are often present in individuals thinking about or undergoing a job search.  With criticism, it is certainly easier to focus on what’s wrong with our employer or boss. Contempt rears its ugly head in all sorts of ways including sarcasm, cynicism, put-downs.  Defensiveness and stonewalling seem to run rampant in the workplace.  God forbid we take responsibility for our situation and communicate!

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So how do we get past the 4 deadly horsemen and get unstuck?

Again, we can learn from Gottman’s research. One of the first things Gottman does is to challenge couples to communicate 5 positive comments for every negative one. Try it in your relationship; it’s not so easy!.

For me, the career lesson learned was that when I stopped criticizing and hating my job, things began to shift in my work life. No, it didn’t magically change, gates didn’t fly open and birds didn’t start chirping from the heavens above, but things did shift and eventually change dramatically.

So this week when you catch yourself hating on whatever, I challenge you to try “the Gottman”and see what starts to unfold.

And as always, if you would be so kind as to share your story/struggle/advice with others below, we’d be most grateful. Heck, you might even help someone get unstuck!

With Love,
Patty Comeford Adams

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Filed under Self Help