Tag Archives: money

How To Get Unstuck from a Job You Hate

I receive a lot of emails from folks about feeling stuck in jobs, marriage, and money situations. Of late the bulk seem to go like this: ” Help! I hate my job!! I need to get out here asap! What can I do?”  So today, we focus on getting unstuck from a job you hate.

The first thing you have to do is dial back the hate big time. I know, I know you deserve to kick and scream and vent. But I’m here to tell you after 18 years in the recruiting business, hating your job won’t help you find something better. Sorry to ruin the pity party but it’s true. Now don’t think I’m getting all “judge-y” with you. Heck, I fell into that trap myself. I hated my job as a lawyer from day two and I stayed there hating and telling everyone that I hated it for two whole years. All that hating just made me feel stuck, unable to move forward and very miserable.

We see this phenomenon in other areas of our life. Dr John Gottman, founder of the Gottman Institute has performed decades of research on couples’ relationships.  Gottman has found 4 kinds of negativity , which he calls “the four horsemen of the apocalypse”. The research shows that  4 horsemen literally destroy relationships. They include:

  1. Criticism;
  2. Contempt;
  3. Defensiveness; and
  4. Stonewalling.

So what does couples research have to do with job search and career fulfillment? Well, as it turns out, quite a bit.

Criticism and contempt are often present in individuals thinking about or undergoing a job search.  With criticism, it is certainly easier to focus on what’s wrong with our employer or boss. Contempt rears its ugly head in all sorts of ways including sarcasm, cynicism, put-downs.  Defensiveness and stonewalling seem to run rampant in the workplace.  God forbid we take responsibility for our situation and communicate!

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So how do we get past the 4 deadly horsemen and get unstuck?

Again, we can learn from Gottman’s research. One of the first things Gottman does is to challenge couples to communicate 5 positive comments for every negative one. Try it in your relationship; it’s not so easy!.

For me, the career lesson learned was that when I stopped criticizing and hating my job, things began to shift in my work life. No, it didn’t magically change, gates didn’t fly open and birds didn’t start chirping from the heavens above, but things did shift and eventually change dramatically.

So this week when you catch yourself hating on whatever, I challenge you to try “the Gottman”and see what starts to unfold.

And as always, if you would be so kind as to share your story/struggle/advice with others below, we’d be most grateful. Heck, you might even help someone get unstuck!

With Love,
Patty Comeford Adams

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Filed under Self Help

“Even if you never met me, I thank you for today.”

For obvious reasons, the last week’s been rough, filled with countless emotions:  fear, confusion, anger, disbelief.   I’ve written countless drafts of new blog posts and nothing, absolutely nothing seemed to feel right.  But today, in line with my last two posts on just how much one person can change the world,  something caught my eye.

Yesterday Andrew J Parker, a well-regarded  Toronto film critic, posted what others are calling a  “suicide note” on his blog.  Pieces of his posts appeared on his Twitter feed as well, sending the internet into a frenzy.   What happened next is heartwarming. Concerned followers started tweeting others asking for his whereabouts, immediately alerted the authorities and got him help. Thank God.

Later, he tweeted back : “Even if you never met me, I thank you for today. Thanks for proving to me that the world isn’t a cold and broken place.” So here’s what is rambling around in my head. Rather than the deluge of insults that people so carelessly toss out to each other over the internet, isn’t this what it’s supposed to all be about ? People helping people? Sharing knowledge, exhibiting compassion, solving problems, expressing love?  In his blog, Andrew wrote:

It’s not that I don’t want to try to fix things. It’s that I need help fixing them. I need encouragement, and that’s something that I can’t get right now. There are things that I can’t admit to myself. I need to hit a complete reset button. I need to tear it all down, but I don’t know if I can build it back up.”

Well Andrew, your words are beautiful and you just educated the world profoundly on depression.  Look how very brave you are and how much knowledge you possess:

  • Depression is  not about weakness or cowards. It’s a disease and nothing to be ashamed of ;
  • We can have what others perceive as “all” and still experience depression.  By the way, it’s not about having it all anyway;
  • Money doesn’t fix it;
  • Help is out there (see below) ;
  • Experiencing clinical depression is SCARY beyond measure. If it does go away, thanks to our limbic systems, we are terrified it will return. That makes the whole thing worse; and
  • It’s the darkest place you can imagine, please don’t shy away  or judge those experiencing it–HELP  & ENCOURAGE others.

So I challenge you today peeps. Who can you reach out today and help? What resources can you share? Who can you love? And if so moved, please encourage Andrew and send him a virtual hug  @andrewjparker. We could all use a little more of that.

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With Love,

Patty Comeford Adams, JD

 Ps. Two great resources for online depression support are:

1. The Blurt Foundation. They can be found on Twitter @blurtalerts and on Facebook.

2. Theresa Borchard’s amazing blog found here.

Other helpful resources are :

1.The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, suicidepreventionlifeline.org ;

2. The American Federation Suicide Prevention.

 We welcome any and all other suggestions below. Thank you for spreading the word! 

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Filed under Change, Kindness, Life, Personal Growth, Self Care, Self Help